Monday, 10 March 2014

Walk away from the marriage misunderstanding

Author: Datong Yuan

When my wife and I are doing the work of marriage and family counseling, we also have a quarrel contradictory, but we will cover up this conflict, do not let other people see. When we lecture, often brothers and sisters, said: "Teacher, you sing this song, we shed tears." but they do not know, we both have fights sometimes flushed before the lecture, we can not let others see our weakness, often we had to show. Otherwise we will stumble over others: "You do not even harmony. How could you tell us what is happiness?"

We love each other very much, and our feelings are very good, but disputes between us are still frequent. Over the years we have worked well in the field of marriage counseling, get a lot of identities from churches. But after my wife's illness worsened, unbearable challenges began to arise between us. Her body hasn’t been good, but it has grown to be such a serious stage, exactly out of my anticipation.


Back in 1994, when my wife and I were in a foreign country, my wife had thyroiditis. The thyroid is an important endocrine organ. When we tired, frightened, angry, excited, it can play the role of a buffer and mediation. But after my wife had the disease, thyroid necrosis, the thyroid secretion was zero. At that time in a foreign country, we had no money to treat my wife, and we had no insurance. We just had believed in the Lord at that time. In this tribulation, Pastor Zhou Guang Liang and his wife Zhou Suqin helped us and gave us a free treatment.

In 1999, my wife declared that she was healed by God. Since thyroid cells are non-renewable, after this the disease, she relied on eating hormones every day to supplement the concentration of thyroxine. My wife must have lifelong medication because of this disease, otherwise she will not stand. After she learned the prayers of healing, she no longer took medicine, and she could basically have a normal life, which lasted for many years. It was indeed a miracle. My parents are doctors, and our relatives are also doctors. At that time they did not believe in the Lord, neither did they believed that this disease can not take medicine to a normal life.

My wife could live a normal life without medication, but in comparison with normal subjects, she was still very vulnerable to fatigue, her mood easily get out of control. When she was 50 years old to her menopause, she became more and more weak, and her health gradually worsened. At the beginning I gave sermon together with her. And then I did not take her because she was easily tired, the mood was very easily out of control. I always thought her life was not mature enough to be magnanimous to her a lot. I dot the work of the marriage counseling, I have to admit her anyway, and have to do well though I have other thoughts!

From 2009, my wife entered a severe mental depression. I said to my wife: "People often ask me why you did not always smile, and always so tired." She replied, "I am in my menopause," she later developed into no contact with outsiders, did not speak, could not do anything, was indifferent to any point, even our relatives felt that they could not be close to her. I was out preaching, back home a mess. Although complaining and unhappy, but every time no matter how late I got home and immediately roll up sleeves and do chores. I have to lecture, but also alone take grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning rooms, and so all the housework. She was in bed for a long time every day, and her muscles slowly atrophied. So I have to charge a lot of effort to get her up for a walk every day. Gradually she could not walk. I had to give her every limb muscle massage. But no matter how much I do, her situation is still not very significant improvement. Under such circumstances all my happiness is gone.

I prayed and said: "God, ah, I did entirely according to what I taught, why there was no good effect? If it can not solve my own problem, and how can it solve my listener problems? I am not happy, how to build the happiness of others? "I feel wronged, and want to die. One time when I knelt in prayer on the ground, I could not hit the ground with my head and cried, prayed, etc. When I finished, there was a large bloodstain on my forehead. Later I went to see my mother. She asked me what was going on with my head. I told a lie that I head-butted on the doorframe. My mother said, "Where is such a low doorframe?"

I prayed and couldn’t help interrogating God every day, "I am one happy family builder, why even my family happiness is gone?

"What have I done wrong?"

“I have made a lot of efforts for a long time, but why am I not as happy as those who do nothing in their marriage?”

"If I'm still not happy with so many efforts, then what extent shall I to feel happy?"

Few people can do as what I have done above to my wife. Do you want to increase the difficulty?

One day I was asking God, God suddenly said to me, "I am not a happy in my marriage," I was shocked, thinking that my ears have heard it wrong. God told me: "If marriage means happiness, then I highlight to you an example of a happy marriage in Bible, but you see that there is full of conflicts throughout my marriage, my wife (Israel. people) once again betrayed me, and finally I crucified me. Although there is no happiness at all, but I still love her, because this is my promise to her! "

I was suddenly enlightened, get great comfort, tears sprang from my eyes. I then asked him,” God, my wife does not speak to me. Is there any way in which I communicate with her to understand my mind?" God said: "We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not mourn."(Matthew 11:17) No one can communicate better than I, but my wife (the Israelis) is often hard to understand it, even not listen. "

I said to God: "God, her temperament was too stubborn, sometimes I want to hide my face from her for several days, but thus I feel guilty." God says: "My wife also made me angry and I ignore her, say nothing twice for four hundred years. (God said, twice, once before the Exodus, the second time interval during the Old and New Testament.)

I said: "God, why would I have such a painful experience?"

God says: "To let you know that marriage does not mean happy."

I said: "What's that mean marriage?"

God said: "Marriage means unconditional commitment. I did better countless times to my wife than you did, but my wife was still disobedient and did not understand me. There are full of conflicts and quarrels between us, but I am still committed to my promises. You have also promised to your wife before you get married to her: Whether sickness or in health, whether rich or poor, you should always love her. This is the test of whether you really own promises of commitment "At this point my heart was filled with the Holy Spirit greatly.

When my wife's illness made me hard stand the tiredness, there are a few prayers which I have betrayed a vague idea like this, "Lord, if it does not work, please take her away. I am too painful, and I can not stand it any more! "

Soon after that, my wife suddenly ran away. In those days, I did not therefore escape, but in the valley of death shadow. I have never experienced that pain in my life. Every daytime I have to go to every possible place to look for her. At night I am also kept busy. My son works in daytime. I make dinner waiting for him to come back, after dinner, I told him to get some sleep, and then waked him up at nine o'clock, and then we both drove on the road to continue to seek my wife. Daily so frustrating, we exhausted. Once, if not my son screams to remind me that I would hit a large truck parked on the roadside, and then we have cold sweats.

Those days, I often cried out to God from my heart while seek her, "Lord, take her to home. If only she comes back, no matter what she has become, I’d like to serve her!!! Don’t take her away." When I shout again and again “Er Ling, come back, come back, " Suddenly God said to me:" You know, this is the scene I had called Israel - Israel. Turn back, turn back"(Ezekiel 33:11). My face was covered with tears and I was filled by peace and strength from God.

After the five days of the piercing pain, I found my runaway wife. Since then, I have never dared to ask God take her away. On the contrary, I thought: Lord, anyway, as long as she is just with me, it will be OK! She later regained a little, we often went out to lecture. Although she can not participate in my work, as long as she followed me, it will be good. The most important thing is, no matter where we are`, I would have slept soundly beside her. I truly appreciate this point: my wife this rib, although very weak, for me she is so indispensable. (Chapter IV Datong Yuan "Going out of marriage myths")

The true meaning of marriage is love and devotion: "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it not irritable, or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things. Love never ends."

About the author: Yuan Datong, marriage and family counselor, renowned speaker, writer, known as "Chinese family Watcher."

The mid-1990s began working on marriage, family and parenting issues; took part in the training of American Family Life Association, got international speakers qualification; in "Parents must read" magazine open "heart rivers meet" children's education column; in recent years, more than 20 provinces and cities across the country organized a speaking tour of marriage and family topics.

Major works: "Love Follow Me", "Perfect Wedding", "Bring up the child's six elements", "How to find the other half," "Work together to tide over the River of Life."

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