6.1.3 愛的運算式
Shared By: Ming
Why do people have emotions?
Some time ago, something happened when I was serving outside. I spoke inappropriately which caused a coworker to overreact. So on the way back I asked God why I do have emotions.
One of the conflicts and dissatisfactions at that time was that I was not kind to my long-serving coworkers. When I spoke, the long-serving co-worker felt that they were always being blamed or scolded by their actions. On the other hand, I was too tolerant and kind towards the new co-workers, which made the long-time coworker angry. So when that coworker was venting emotions, he brought this matter up.
In fact, I am very grateful to this co-worker because he directly pointed out the shortcomings in my life to me. When we are emotional, it brings up the issues within us, whether we have problems with each other, or wounds that are not yet healed. I asked the Lord how I should deal with this, and the Holy Spirit shone a light onto my behavior. He said to me, ‘You lack patience and are stingy with praise.’
Everyone, no matter how spiritual, needs encouragement and trust:
When light shines into a person’s heart, I immediately know: Yes, Lord, you are so right. Why? Because the co-workers are so familiar with each other, they are stingy with praise. Most of our co-workers are busy with things and ministries, everyone needs encouragement no matter how spiritual they are. This is a revelation that God gave me. He said that when you communicate with others, you forget to encourage and praise. When I lacked encouragement for this person, it felt like I was talking about things and he wasn't being recognized.
This is my shortcoming as a leader, that I don't know God's heart well enough.
There are so many parts of our lives that can be improved. When we say to each other in a different way, even though this is something that I am eager to understand, we can change our approach, can we not start by saying: you are really serious about your work, you are very conscientious, you really helped me, I am very grateful for your help last time, and it seems that we can't do it without you, so may I ask how is the progress of this project going now?
This question is similar to the one you asked directly, why did something go wrong? Tell me what the reason is. It's completely different. In the first place, you will feel trusted, and in the second place, you will feel rejected and blamed.
I knew I was definitely lacking in this area, and I found that I could encourage others with God's Word. But asking me to come up to encourage and praise him at the beginning seemed impossible to me. Later I found out that this was caused by culture. Chinese culture led me to point out other people's problems first and then explain the reason you made mistakes. Therefore, distrust will begin to build up in life, because distrust is not transparent and will destroy relationships.
Then the second reminder I received from God was that He said that I really like reasoning. I thought about it later. Sometimes we win by reasoning, but we lose the relationship.
I lose the relationship when I want to win an argument:
In fact, many times, apologies and forgiveness are more important, which gave me a vital revelation. We usually lose relationships because we want to win in our hearts, so we start to pick out various problems in this person's life again, and in the end we find that we have lost that relationship.
We have won the argument, and we are even making sense. This is why we people usually have a lot of struggles in relationships. Although struggles are not all, one benefit is that God always wants to shape us into His image and make us more like Him.
Being shaped by the people close to us:
We are designed to be tempered and molded through those close to us, through whom? Friends, colleagues, co-workers, spouses, children, parents, relatives.
Through these relationships, the uneven parts of our lives and each other's lives will be smoothed out, just like water washing at pebbles. Over time, the pebbles will become smooth. This is a divine design of God.
There was a prophet named Greg Locke. He was accepted on many continents, but there were always two people who were specifically targeted at him. No matter where he ministered, these two people would always appear in his meetings. They also called him a false prophet and spread rumors on the Internet to find fault with his teachings.
One day Greg prayed before God, and God showed him a potter and pottery. He immediately realized that the pottery was him, that he was being shaped into a Christ-like image.
When he looked carefully again, he saw two hands shaping the pottery, not the hands of Jesus Christ, not the hands of Heavenly Father, but the hands of the two people who always criticized him. This incident was deeply imprinted on Greg's heart. It turned out that these two people were the ones who molded him and made his character more like Christ.
So when Greg held the next conference, he saw these two people coming again. He bravely walked up, opened his arms, gave them a big hug and said: “Thank you for coming.” So even in pain and struggle, what did Greg choose? It is great joy.
God knows the struggles in our lives because He designed them, but Satan also has some tricks up his sleeve to get us into struggles. We need to discern this. No matter what, if God allows it, He will use these struggles to refine us.
What is God’s main purpose by molding us?
The Bible says that if I had the tongues of men and the tongues of angels, but did not have love, I would be like a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. So this is a wise saying, when it comes to love, you must talk about communication.
A good wife and mother may not necessarily be loved by her husband; a man who is law-abiding may not necessarily be loved by his wife. People who work hard may not necessarily succeed, these situations do exist. In fact, you will find that the final reason is not that they are incapable, but that they cannot communicate.
As a result, although this person is obviously kind-hearted, others will say that he is cold and treacherous. He obviously wants to express affection and love, but he is considered hypocritical and insensitive, right? You were obviously very happy, but it was misunderstood that you were losing your temper. . .
Healing the Hearts of Orphans:
I've shared before how I struggled with being stuck in an orphan's heart and feeling insecure. At that time I would choose to be very busy in my career, and even sometimes I was busy during first church. That image made me look like a hard working and helpful person.
Why did I behave like this? Because my family or my friends rejected my spiritual experience, as a result I became a person who seems to love serving. In fact, it is to prove that I can participate in everything. I look fine, I have no issues.
Similarly, parents' experiences affect not only each other but also their children, so what is the attitude of the children? If the parents are always busy, the child will need to shoulder all the burdens and responsibility of the family. As humans, our words and feelings need to be expressed or else a burning anger will grow within us. Additionally, if the child was born in a Christian family, what will happen to those emotions? They will be forcefully suppressed.
Then one day he rebelled and stopped being a Christian. This is an escape from relationships, so where does the real hurt come from? Brought down from parents or family of origin.
As we have shared before, children believe everything until they are seven years old. They will accept and believe everything their parents say, even if it is a well-intentioned lie. So when you put a message in a child younger than seven years old, that message stays with him for the rest of his life. That's why the Bible says to bring up a child so that he will not stray from it in his old age.
Expectations:
Whether you are in a family or a marriage, we need to understand the expectation that God will give us a perfect marriage. In fact, there is only a perfect God, and nothing but God can fill that part.
Our expectations for marriage and family relationships are based on the conditions of our family of origin.
For example: When I originally had expectations for a marriage that was not in line with God’s will, I would naturally compare my marriage with my family of origin. Sometimes I would say to my husband, you are like my dad, and he would immediately disagree.
So the brain knows that the heart is not so, my husband's father because he is a retired person in charge of the Economic and Trade Bureau, so what he does must first think about all the links, and finally even arrange all the things before making a decision. But when he makes a decision, he will not discuss it with my mother-in-law or other family members.
But after my husband married me, you all know my characteristics. I am a dreamer. I will talk about what I want to do now and what I want to do tomorrow. And my characteristic is that I never think about how difficult the process is, nor how it ends.
Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t understand, he always says things like; ‘Are you going to buy a house tomorrow? Are you moving to the east tomorrow?’ Suddenly my mood gets worse after hearing such things and I always want to say, ‘Shouldn't you support me? I'm just sharing my feelings, why am I unwelcomed to do so? If you don’t want to support me, then I will never share my thoughts with you again!’ After saying such things the bitterness will slowly accumulate in me.
My husband would have a great emotional reaction towards me. He would be very angry because he believed I would take action of my dreams the very next day. He had not yet had time to arrange and help me handle the process. In fact, this is an expectation we have for our families of origin, and it will naturally be projected onto our current spouse and family. This needs healing. Everyone in the family needs to learn how to hear with discernment when converse with each other and understand their expectations within the conversations.
Security and Trust:
My husband will not be able to meet all my needs; he will not make me whole; it is God alone who makes me whole. This means that my sense of security cannot be tied to my husband, but to God. But one thing to be mentioned, insecurity and lack of trust are two important factors in relationship breakdown.
Next, I recommend a book to everyone. Many of you should have read the book called "The 5 Love Languages", which is available online. The book is authored by Dr. Chapman, who is both a famous doctor and a church pastor. This book is about the languages of love, and he mentions 5 languages: Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.
He said each of us speaks a different love language, so we need to understand what the other person's primary love language is.
What is the Language of love?
There is an old Chinese saying, “Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you”. But this principle does not work 100% in an intimate relationship. Why? Because showing love and receiving love come from different family backgrounds.
So when you communicate with another person you are crossing two cultures, so in order to communicate effectively you must first find out what the other person's most comfortable love language is. That way, communication will be smooth.
I grew up in a family where whenever there was a happy event, such as getting into college, passing the college entrance examination, or anything else, my parents would find a luxurious restaurant and take our family out for a nice meal. We would enjoy flowers, the chef’s exquisite cuisine and beautiful outdoor scenery. This is the love language of my parents that I can feel.
But my husband’s family is different, because when he was young, his father served in the military all year round, so he rarely had his father accompany him. When he grew up, his father was engaged in business all year round and did not return to my mother-in-law until he was an adult. So what was the response to happy events at home? One of his biggest hopes is for parents and family to have meals together at home.
Going out with family was one of the most comfortable love languages and as a child my husband had never experienced. So after getting married, I couldn’t fit his love language for several years. ‘Why?’ I always have a question, ‘why can't I eat in a restaurant?’ ‘Why do you have to go to a food stall to buy food and take it home?’ ‘Why do you never send flowers?’ ‘Why can't I go to the beach to enjoy the breeze?’ When you see this, it is a conflict, and we will break out when we have different opinions.
People need to feel loved in order for relationships to be normal, or else it will consume the love we had for each other before we got married. The book The Five Languages of Love says that love doesn't have to disappear after the wedding, but if you want it to survive, you have to learn what the most comfortable language for love is.
The Bible also says:
“Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and whoever loves it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)
Words of Affirmation:
Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.(Proverbs 12:25)
When people hear words of affirmation, we are motivated and willing to reciprocate. Many of us have insecurities. So when we are loved, we know that someone is for us, and we are encouraged.
What if you tell your husband; “the utility room will collapse if you don’t clean it out quickly? Why are you so lazy?” This is not the affirmative language of love. What is this? The person who speaks has stopped loving, which is a precursor to starting a war.
So love is not about getting what you want, but doing things for whom you love. What you exactly need does not matter. The motivation behind this is about the person, about others seeing themselves being loved, affirmed, encouraged, and walking in the way God created them. This is called words of affirmation.
Quality Time:
Some people especially need this. When you encourage him and he feels uncomfortable, he insists on finding you and telling you that we are going to drink tea and sit down to talk slowly. It turns out that the most comfortable words he loves are quality moments. So when you discover this, you learn to accompany it.
My husband actually has this problem, that is, he likes walking, but this is my least favorite. I always think, ‘It's been half an hour, there are many things we must do, why are you still walking?’ In order to have a closer relationship you have to find out his favorite love language first.
Receiving Gifts:
There are many girls who feel most comfortable receiving gifts. If you find that giving gifts to your wife, children or husband is the most comfortable language for them, you must measure your wallet and calculate your budget. It must be within a reasonable budget, otherwise your relationship will definitely collapse.
This is called receiving gifts, in fact, some gifts are not a matter of price, such as plants, small books, small cards, the cost is actually not high, but you can satisfy her most comfortable language.
Acts of Service:
Jesus said in John 13:4-5 that He washed the feet of His disciples as an act of service to show His love.
This is for people who are not good at words. It may be his most important love language. And at this time, you must not dampen the other person's enthusiasm, and you must not try to replace it with other methods. As I observed my husband, I discovered that he had two primary love languages. The first is the act of service, and the second is the word of affirmation. As soon as he comes home, he will immediately go to mow the lawn or repair the car.
So at this time, you must learn to do one thing. Take a break first and wait for him to finish his work. Then as soon as he walks in the door, I greet him energetically and start to praise him with as many words as possible, because this is how he receives love.
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love.(Galatians 5:13)
Physical Touch:
If you are in a company, or some public place, and you see someone suddenly rush up to you and hug you, you will know that his body language may be his most important language. At that time, you must remember that the next time you see him, you must give him a hug first. This is his need, and physical contact can build a relationship.
Forgiveness is the Way to Restore Intimacy:
Sometimes when we say something or do something that hurts the other person, even if it is just a word or a bad attitude, they can't let it go. That's because it has something to do with his family of origin, or something to do with the scars he hasn't dealt with. There is no other way to ease the other person's pain but to admit our own failure and ask for forgiveness.
If we have been wronged by someone, and after the other person painfully admits his mistake and asks for forgiveness, we have a choice, whether to choose justice or forgiveness. If you choose justice, you will do one thing: take revenge. He offended me and hurt me, and spoke harshly and hurt me. I will retaliate against him, destroy everything he does, and make him pay for the mistake he has made.
Then we become the judge, making the person a criminal, and intimacy is no longer possible. Intimacy cannot be restored unless you choose to forgive, forgiveness is the way to love.
Let me give you an example. A co-worker of mine finished ministering to a girl. This girl didn't even say thank you, she just rushed out the door and left quickly. That left my co-worker feeling sad and almost offended, since she served that girl for three or four hours, and then left without a word.
But two weeks later, the co-worker received a letter from her, which was very sweet and written with sincerity and gratitude. Sending letters through Canada Post is difficult and requires money, but she still sent one. Wouldn't it be over if that girl expressed how she felt there that day? There was nothing wrong, she was sincere, but because the way of expression and language were different, they misunderstood.
So we can confirm that we are people who show love, but the other party does not hear your words. This is a source of conflict. This is what often happens in our relationships. There are always some people in life with whom we cannot get along very well. In fact, it is because we speak different languages, and God created everyone differently.
We need to learn the love language that each other is most comfortable with.
So you can go back and bring today’s sharing into your family, your co-workers, your service, and even into your workplace.
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
Some people understand this verse to mean that wives should submit to their husbands, but this is not the case in its original Greek text. The original Greek text says that you personally should love your wife as you love yourself, because her behavior deserves respect. And you have to be loving and kind to your wife, and give her the best.
“25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)
Let us understand the principle that women want to be loved unconditionally, but men want to be respected and valued unconditionally.
In our Chinese culture, when women get together, they will definitely talk about negative things about their husbands. This is called the spirit of gossip. Talking bad about their husbands is actually a kind of disrespect. If a man is not respected, when he responds to you, he does not respond in love. If this wife doesn't feel loved, she has to take control, because she wants to capture love, so she has to take control of the whole situation.
How can a wife make her husband love her? If a husband feels that his wife respects him without any complaints, he will be motivated. He is then motivated to reciprocate, and this motivation is the love that comes from being honored. So he responds with love, because he has been honored with love.
So this actually has nothing to do with whether you believe in the Lord or not. Even if one of your spouses does not love God enough, or does not know God at all, you can still learn from this teaching, and your husband will respond with love and protection to the entire family. On the other hand, if the wife feels loved, then she will provide love, respect and nurturing to the family.
So maintaining any relationship requires humility, and the closer the relationship, the more people need to humble themselves, which means the more they need to apologize. Apologizing is the courageous act of repentance, and this is the one part of our relationship that can break through and move forward.
● Original title: 6.1.3 Love heals family and relationships 20200927114954
● Source of Article: Omega Ministry Pastoral Department
● Article Optimization: Omega Ministry Editorial Department
